«‘See?’ said Gary. ‘I’m not here. All there is, is you, walking up and
down the platform, talking to yourself, trying to get up the courage to…’
Richard had not meant to
say anything: but his mouth moved and he heard his voice saying: ‘Trying to get
up the courage to do what?’
A deep voice came over
the loudspeaker, and echoed, distorted, down the platform. ‘London Transport would like to apologize for
the delay. This is due to an incident at Blackfriars station.’ ‘To do
that,’ said Gary, inclining his head. ‘Become an incident at Blackfriars
station. To end it all. Your
life’s a joyless, empty sham. You’ve got no friends—’
‘I’ve got you,’ whispered
Richard.
Gary appraised Richard
with frank eyes. ‘I think you’re and
asshole,’ he said, honestly. ‘A complete joke.’
‘I’ve got Door, and
Hunter and Anaesthesia.’
Gary smiled. There was real pity in the smile, and it hurt Richard
more than hatred, or enmity could ever have done. ‘More imaginary friends? We
all used to laugh at you round the office for those trolls. Remember them? On your desk.’ He laughed. Richard started to laugh too. It was all too horrible:
there was nothing else to do but laugh. After some time he stopped laughing.
Gary put his hand into his pocket and produced a small plastic troll. It had
frizzy purple hair, and it had once sat on the top of Richard’s computer
screen. ‘Here,’ said Gary. He tossed the troll to Richard. Richard tried to catch
it; he reached out his hands, but it fell through them as if there were not
there. He went down on to his hands and knees on the empty platform, fumbling
for the troll. It seemed on him, then, as if it were the only fragment he had
of his real life: that if he could only get the troll back, perhaps he could
get everything back…
Flash.
It was rush hour again. A train disgorged hundreds of people on to the
platform, and hundreds of others tried to get on, and Richard was down on his
hands and knees, being kicked and buffeted by the commuters. Somebody stepped
on his fingers, hard. He screamed shrilly, and stuck his fingers into his
mouth, instinctively, like a burned child; they tasked disgusting. He did not
care: he could see the troll at the platform’s edge, now only ten feet away,
and he crawled, slowly, on all fours, through the crowd, across the platform.
People swore at him; they got in his way; they buffeted him. He had never
imagined that ten feet could be such a long distance to travel.
Richard heard a
high-pitched voice giggling, as he crawled, and he wondered who it could belong
to. It was a disturbing giggle, nasty and strange. He wondered what manner of
crazy person could giggle like that. He swallowed, and the giggling stopped,
and then he knew.
He was almost at the edge
of the platform. An elderly woman stepped
on to the train, and as she did so, her foot knocked the purple-haired troll
down into the darkness, down into the gap between the train and the platform.
‘No,’ said Richard. He was still laughing, an awkward, wheezing laugh, but
tears stung his eyes, and spilled down his cheeks. He rubbed his eyes with his
hands, making them sting even more.
Flash.
The platform was deserted
and dark again. He climbed to his feet,
and walked, unsteadily, the last few feet, to the edge of the platform. He
could see it there, down on the tracks, by the third rail: a small splash of
purple, his troll. He looked ahead of him: there were enormous posters stuck to
the wall on the other side of the tracks. The posters advertised credit cards
and sports shoes and holidays in Cyprus. As he looked the words on the posters
twisted and mutated.
New messages:
END IT ALL was one of
them.
PUT YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR
MISERY.
BE A MAN – DO YOURSELF
IN.
HAVE A FATAL ACCIDENT
TODAY.
He nodded. He was talking to himself. The posters did not really
say that. Yes, he was talking to himself; and it was time that he listened.»
Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere
