THE BEASTLY BABY

Once upon a time there was a baby.

It was worse than other babies. For

one thing, it was larger.

Its body was not merely obese, but

downright bloated.

One of its feet had too many toes,

and the other one not enough.

Its hands were both left ones.

Its nose was beaky, and appeared

to be considerably older than the

rest of it.

Its tiny eyes were surrounded by large

black rings due to fatigue, for its

guilty conscience hardly ever allowed

it to sleep.

It was usually damp and sticky for it

wept a grat deal. It was consumed

by self-pity, which it this case was

perfectly justified.

It was capable of making only two sorts

of noises, both of them nasty.

The first was a choked gurgling,

reminiscent of faulty drains. It made

this noise when it had succeeded in

doing something particularly atrocious.

The second was a thin shriek suggestive

of fingernails on blackboards. It made

this noise when it had been prevented from

doing something particularly atrocious.

Fortunately, it was unable to walk.

It had never been given a name since

no-one cared to talk about it. When it

was absolutely necessary to do so, it

was referred to as the Beastly Baby.

Dangerous objects were left about in the

hope that it would do itself an injury,

preferably fatal.

But it never did, and instead, hacked

up the carpets with knives.

Or burnt enormous holes in the upholstery

with acid.

Or shot bric-à-brac off the tables.

A day in the broiling sun had no other

effect than to turn it a horrid purple.

When it was taken bathing, it always

floated back to shore, festooned with

slimy green weed.

In public places some officious person

was certain to point out that it was

in danger of being left behind.

Inevitably, a policeman was looking on

whenever it was just about to be

momentarily set down on a doorstep.

In the meantime it grew larger and older

every day, and what this would

eventually lead to, no-one liked to think.

Then one day it was taken on a picnic.

It was set on an exposed ledge some

distance from where the food was.

A few minutes later, a passing eagle

noticed it there.

The eagle, having never before been

presented with this classic opportunity

carried it off.

The Eagle found keeping hold of it more

difficult than he had expected.

He attempted to get a further grip on it

with his break.

There was a wet sort of explosion,

audible for several miles.

And that, thank heavens! was the end

of the Beastly Baby.

Edward Gorey 

Amphigorey Too